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a birthday note

“Maybe that’s what life is… a wink of the eye and winking stars.” -- Jack Kerouac

i started writing this post 25.10.16 - three weeks before my birthday. getting ready for these bombardment of thoughts, cos i'm in the last days of my twenties. here i am, feeling not-my-age. does anyone ever? i do have to say it's a nice sort of feeling, to know that i made it through some crazy phase of no absolute grounds. as i wrote that down i realized - i like this age more than any of the previous ones.

this past week i thought about the places i've lived at over the past ten years or so, rooms i've rented, how i've lived in houses with strangers, once, in the attic-room of a nice family home, many nights feeling like a mice. i remembered the paths i used to take after work, thoughts i had when i walked through those neighborhoods, catching glimpses of people in cozy homes (so many nights in particular, thinking, i wonder how it feels to have the whole house to yourself, sneaking giggles & fake wrestles with someone you love) - but i never settled. i liked the things i discovered as the years went by. this year though, i raised my wine glass to knowing i'm at that point in life. someone to fight with when things get ugly. a whole house to decorate any way i like. settled, almost there. it's been a journey, always is - because what if we settle for something and we've got nothing to try really hard for? i like that notion of trying. always hoping for the better. moving forward instead of staying still.

Ken in fact, had said (more than once) that whenever i tell him stories of my early working days, i sounded like i used to be lonely, which isn't true. at some point - i was alone, but never lonely. there's a huge difference in those. those days were tough, but i was always a fighter.

i may have not make as much progress as i'd love to but progress was progress & here i am.

in fact, i like how i've made them.

i like that i get to know myself better as i get older. i also like that i get to know people better. i like that i'm not as naive as i used to be. i also like that i can now let go of things that don't matter, a tad easier. 

my thoughts flew like lose cannons in the past weeks. which is actually a norm occurrence around my birthday, and i have to say i like it. to me it's a huge deal, bigger than the new year. only because at this point of the year i make my grounds, solidifying thoughts, deciding if i've been better or worse (yes, who's santa?) - and i take it. this time last year i had a breakdown in the train on my way back from work, hating all the progress i've made, convinced i went backwards. this year, i'm noticing the little things that really make me, me. my weaknesses & how i've coped not knowing what was wrong sometimes. at thirty, i think most of it make sense. that's just it. i now know what i really love doing. what i'm passionate about - no longer lost.  i also know i'll find new ones, but the things i know & adore today, are the ones i'm so sure about i'll never throw any of these out the window like i did before.

on 16.11.16 we went on a roadtrip so we could celebrate my birthday at my favorite place, amidst the mountains. we drank lots of wine at night, went to our favorite spots, drank more wine & ate lots of cake, we spent days in the crisp mountain air. in the nights that followed, i whispered my birthday wishes in the cold wind, hoping life only gets better from here on. i know life is tough, sometimes insane. but i also know it's what we make it.

well, i'm holding fast to hope. it's been a happy birthday!