dear isobel

Maybe it meant something. Maybe not, in the long run, but no explanation, no mix of words or music or memories can touch that sense of knowing that you were there and alive in that corner of time and the world. Whatever it meant. -- Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

just a moment ago i thought of the first time i heard Dido's intoxicating voice and how i used to listen to her songs over and over again for hours. when days are free and easy and makes much more sense, though right now it does, really, i was just thinking how things tend to happen not the way we want it to be, when we get older. it's a little scary - we make plans and tries hard to make things happen, eventually, they don't, not always. sometimes anxieties got over me, thinking there's not enough time for everything to be done with.

i was in a train on my way back from work once with a lady standing behind me, talking to her crowd of friends loudly, in a way that everyone could actually hear her cursing, how her days unfold and her years spent in a certain place brought nothing but a heartache. working to please and perhaps climb that ladder, project by project, year by year with an entry level salary, so bad that she's convinced she'll be replaced by a young lass soon enough -- and she'll get nothing in the end. it's bloody hard work. i could hear it in her tone that she's had enough of it, she's reached the edge and so it's time to jump. to a better place without an ounce of care.

i could relate to that.

why we do it really, i couldn't remember. i do remember sitting in my room in college, trying to program the hand of a robot to move the way i want it to -- happily, at 2am in the morning. i do remember singing out loud on a Sunday morning, with friends racing our way to the netball court. maybe i'm stuck in those years, because sometimes in these recent years, i couldn't relate to myself that much when i'm at work. now that i'm standing at the brink of it all though, remembering the voice of that lady in the train, that moment i quietly sighed and felt a little guilt for a fact there's a voice in my head saying thank god it isn't that bad for me -- i'll take that moment back right now. we all have our bad days.

i guess, here's to working on things we love -- here's to working for a purpose, if that's not the case. a dream house, the future, a coffee shop, traveling around the globe? we've got to start somewhere.